Swings and Roundabouts
by bunjamina66
Summary: What happens when you team up a directionally challenged pilot with an easily frustrated physicist?


**Swings and Roundabouts**

**By Flossy**

Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fan fiction, and as such is for fan enjoyment only. All recognizable characters/settings are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is made. I'm afraid that despite wishing that I did, I don't own these characters. I've just borrowed them for a while. (Although, I may hang onto McKay and Sheppard for a bit longer – they're a lot of fun…)

Summary: What happens when you team up a directionally challenged pilot with an easily frustrated physicist?

Central Character(s): Rodney and John, with Ronon and Teyla.

Category (ies): Humour, friendship.

Placement: Early Season Four.

Rating: +12 for potty mouths. Naughty, naughty boys…

Spoilers: None!

Author's Note: The answer to my frankly rubbish summary is below (and no, it's not the start of a really bad joke), but for those of you who suffer from 'need-it-want-it-NOW' syndrome, the quick answer is a snarkfest of epic proportions. Thanks again to Moony, my beloved, underappreciated and completely insane beta.

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"We're lost."

Lt Col John Sheppard sighed heavily and shook his head. "No we're not."

"We are too!" Dr Rodney McKay shot back, thoroughly unhappy about their current situation.

"McKay, we are _not_ lost."

"I understand that you have a bizarre medical condition where if you tell yourself something enough times you start to believe it, but unfortunately, I do not. We _are_ lost and it's your fault, Sheppard."

"I have an excellent sense of direction," John replied as calmly as he could, resisting the urge to smack his team-mate upside the head.

"Really? Is that why we've been wandering around in circles for the last hour and a half? I thought we were sight-seeing."

"Would you cut that out?"

"No. Not until you admit that a brain-dead marmot has a better sense of direction than you."

"For the love of my sanity and your health, Rodney, just stop right there or I swear to God, I'll…"

"Ah, I see we've moved onto the threats already. Very mature, Colonel."

"Do you want a smack in the teeth, McKay? If you do then you're heading in the right direction…"

"At least one of us is then!"

"Yeah, okay, you have a point."

As usual, the irritatingly arrogant scientist was right. SGA-1 had gated to P8X-656 to investigate a creature that resembled a wombat on steroids for the Biology department. John would later heatedly deny that he'd only accepted the mission to impress Dr Gardener – a very cute brunette with a smile that could incite mass rioting. (He also would insist that he did NOT bawl like a two year old when he discovered that she was going out with Corporal Sanchez.)

The planet was uninhabited according to the Ancient database (save for the wombat things) and for once, it proved to be true. As soon as they had emerged from the event horizon, the team had been enveloped in a thick fog. The place was a wasteland, covered with dead and dying plant life, petrified trees and a lot of mud.

It gave John the creeps.

They had scouted around for the better part of two hours, with McKay bitching almost constantly about the cold, the wet, the mud, the fog, the lack of anything scientific to occupy him… The others shared a weary and forcedly patient look and tried to drown out the moaning as much as possible. It got to the point where John found that he was wishing for a Wraith attack or something – _anything_ – just to stop his brain dribbling out of his ears from boredom.

He should have stuck with bored.

Rodney, of course, just _had _to pick up an unusual energy reading at that exact moment. That led to a ten minute diatribe from the Canadian about why he had to go and investigate said reading rather than go hunting for fluffy animals. Unfortunately, their radios refused to work in the damp conditions – which meant that splitting up wasn't an altogether clever plan – but not even that could dissuade the scientist. Eventually, and more to prevent Ronon from doing something he'd later regret than McKay's reasoning, the Air Force man's resistance was weakened and he had agreed.

He was never going to volunteer for an animal run ever again. In fact, he decided there and then that the next time an idea that monumentally stupid crossed his mind, he was going to get Keller to examine him for signs of brain damage or mental illness.

It was quickly decided that John and McKay would look into the power readings while Teyla and Ronon carried on the search for the wombats.

He really, _really _should have known better.

An hour later and the boys were hopelessly lost – hence the bickering.

"Look, you were the one who agreed to this!" McKay growled.

"So?! _You _were the one with the LSD!"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Sheppard brought up a hand and pinched the bridge of his nose so tightly that he wondered if he was going to cut off the blood supply. "They have a sat nav type thing on them, right? Like the 'You Are Here' signs in a mall?"

Rodney tilted his head and stared incredulously at his friend. "Sat nav?" he repeated, his voice heavy with disdain. "Jesus, you really need to take Radek up on that offer of science lessons."

"So you're saying that it doesn't?" John asked, ignoring the jibe.

There was a squelching sound as McKay shifted uncomfortably in the mud. "Well…"

"McKay!"

"I don't really know," Rodney admitted after a long and very pregnant pause. "That is, I don't think it likes the weather."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"It, ah, it's sort of… broken."

"Great! Never again, Rodney!"

"Hey, don't turn this around on me! You're meant to be a pilot, Mr Mensa-in-Rod's-World!"

"I AM a pilot!"

"Well then your sense of navigation should trump mine!"

"What?"

"Look, we're lost okay?"

"I kinda figured that out already, what with you repeating it over and over and…"

"Don't interrupt! We're lost, so we should just stay still and wait for Teyla and Ronon to find us."

That actually made sense. Sheppard was all set to agree to his team-mate's suggestion when a low grumbling came from somewhere nearby.

"What was that?!" Rodney hissed.

"How the hell should I know?!" John shot back. "And keep it down. It might hear us."

"Do you think it's carnivorous?" the Canadian asked timidly.

"Again, with the how the hell should I know!"

"Hmm…"

There was a rustling from a nearby shrub – well, a creaking really, seeing as how the damn thing was petrified – and Rodney let out an involuntary (and very unmanly) shriek.

John quickly clamped his hand over his friend's mouth, muffling the sound. He held his breath as the… whatever it was… drew closer, letting it out as a relieved sigh when the thing changed direction and headed away from them.

"Mmm-mmf?"

"Yeah, Rodney?"

"Mm-mmm mmmf mmff mff mmmf mmf mf mff mmmff mff?"

"What?"

That earned him an eye-roll and a growl, so he quickly let go of McKay.

"Yuck! What the hell have you been touching?" Rodney asked as he spat on the ground. "No, actually, forget that. I really don't want to know."

"Never knew you could scream like a girl, buddy."

"Yes, yes, very funny!"

"No, really. That was verging on bona fide little girl squealing."

"I was surprised!"

"So I noticed."

"Okay, you know what? Bite me."

"Uh, Rodney…"

"Cat got your tongue, Colonel? No witty reply?"

"Look behind you…"

Rodney turned around and let out his second scream in as many minutes. The only difference was that this time, John joined in.

There was a large mammal, approximately seven foot tall, looming over them. If it was meant to be the wombat then someone in the Biology department needed their eyes tested. The creature looked more like a cross between a grizzly bear and a lion. The beam of the boys' torches gleamed off of inch-long fangs dripping with saliva and vicious looking claws that would easily take a man's head off in one fell swoop.

At the sound of their screams, the beast let out a deafening roar. Snapping out of his terror, John grabbed Rodney by the arm and took advantage of the situation.

He ran.

Sensing that it was about to lose its dinner, the animal dropped to all fours and bounded after them.

"We're gonna die… we're gonna die…" McKay muttered to himself as they fled.

"Think positive," John panted. "And do it… quietly!"

"Where… where is it?"

Sheppard glanced over his shoulder and let out a small cry of alarm. "Oh crap! Run!"

Amazingly, it worked: McKay picked up the pace and even managed to get a few strides ahead of the Colonel before an arm wrapped around his middle and heaved him off to the side.

The sudden change in momentum caused Rodney to overbalance and he crashed into John with a pained yell. "What the hell was that for?!" he bellowed as the two of them tried to right themselves.

"Climb!"

"What?"

"Climb, Rodney! Up the tree!"

"Are you crazy?! That twig won't hold our weight!"

"NOW, GODDAMMIT!"

Accepting a boost up, McKay scrambled up the trunk and clung to a branch as he held out a hand to Sheppard. Once the pilot was up, they continued to climb until they were perched about twenty or so feet from the ground.

"Now what?"

"Now you stay quiet 'til Clarence decides to sod off."

The boys watched and waited in tense silence as the bear-lion sniffed around the base of the tree trunk. It swivelled it's head up and growled at them.

"Doesn't look like it can climb," John stated giddily.

The bear-lion backed up and charged, slamming its flank into the trunk so forcefully that the entire tree shook. John and Rodney had to grab hold of the branches to avoid being flung to the ground.

"No, but it seems to have the whole 'battering ram' thing down pretty well, wouldn't you say?!"

The beast repeated the tactic a few more times. Each hit to the tree was bone-jarring and on one occasion, McKay almost slipped from his perch. Thankfully, Sheppard managed to loop an arm around him, saving the physicist from becoming the world's first human flap-jack.

After half an hour, the bear-lion gave up, obviously deciding that they weren't worth the effort. Both men visibly relaxed.

"Thank God for that," McKay muttered. "Do you have any idea what that could have done to my spine? I'm telling you, it'll be a miracle if I can ever walk straight again."

"You can walk fine, you big baby."

"So now what?"

John let out a long sigh.

___________________________________________________________________________

Three extremely uncomfortable hours later, the boys saw Ronon and Teyla approaching. They scrambled down the tree and landed in a pile on the floor, much to their team-mates' amusement.

"John? Rodney?" asked Teyla. "Why were you in that tree?"

"Long, long story," Sheppard groaned as he pushed McKay off his legs. "Did you find the wombat thing?"

"Unfortunately not," Teyla replied, smiling as Ronon heaved Rodney up. "I believe that the fog has driven them to ground."

"Yeah…"

"Can we go home now?" McKay whined. "I need a bath and food and drugs. Drugs would be very, very nice right now. My back is seriously killing me."

The four of them walked back to the Gate. Teyla and Ronon were bemused by the furtive glances that the two Earth men kept exchanging, but remained silent. When they reached the DHD, Rodney all but ran up to it and dialled so quickly that it made John's eyes water.

"Eager to get home?" he called. The only answer he got was a scathing glare.

As the wormhole formed and SGA-1 stepped forward, Ronon turned to Rodney with a grin.

"What?" the Canadian asked testily.

"Oh, nothin'," the ex-runner replied. "Just that I never knew power sources grew on trees."

McKay's strangled scream followed them all the way back to Atlantis.

Fin!

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Bwahahahaha!!! Fluff, pure and simple. Who knows? Maybe they'll go back and find out what that strange creature actually was… ;) Anyone got any ideas for stories they'd like to see? My muses took the badgers on holiday, leaving me all by my lonesome… *sniffles and decides to take it out on Rodney*


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